|
|
|
The following piece is reprinted
with permission from the Fall 1996 World Service Office BULLETIN
of Survivors of Incest Anonymous. SOUL
MATES MEANT FOR EACH OTHER After 13 years of marriage, my husband and I learned of something new we had in common. We are both incest survivors. We were a rather unlikely pair to marry, and many questioned whether we were a suitable match. I was a teacher with a Master’s degree in Administration, and he had dropped out of high school just prior to graduation to avoid failing. I was an extrovert, and he an introvert. Our courtship was rather short because we were soul mates early on in our friendship and knew we were meant for each other. Eight years into our marriage, we had done fairly well: we both had stable jobs, were buying a home on nine acres, and had a lovely infant son. One struggle had charac-terized our marriage thus far, that of building Gary’s self-esteem and improving his outlook on life. Because of an extensive travel schedule, when our son was born I changed jobs from an administrative position to the classroom. New job challenges and motherhood at 34 sent my self-esteem to an all-time low. At the same time, Gary’s low-grade depression turned critical, and my issues had to be pushed aside. Three weeks in a treatment center met Gary’s need for the short term. He knew he was dealing with an abusive childhood and continued therapy. Almost a year later he discovered that he was a victim of incest by his father and there was suspicion that his mother was also involved. I was very supportive of him in his recovery process. I read many books to him and became quite knowledgeable myself about child abuse and its effect on adults. I thought many times perhaps this was the purpose for our marriage--so Gary could have support. I felt I hadn’t really known pain until helping him with his. Four years into working on the issues, the recovery process was slow but steady, and Gary was much better. He finally was able to face the reality that his mother was also his sexual abuser. I was weary and at this point in his recovery, I became overwhelmed with his pain and the trauma of his abuse more so than he. I was convinced he should attend a workshop for abuse survivors in Washington state and that I needed to go with him to support him in dealing with this pain. When we arrived, I was the one in pain. I am very thankful for the safe place that was provided there. A stream from the deep fountain of my own pain surfaced. I too was a survivor. In the months that followed, more streams flowed with scenes of pain and terrifying fear. It was Gary’s turn to be there for me and he was. He understood and was there to comfort me and hold me and call for help when I hit the depths of despair and fear. I believe our
Higher Power knew we desperately needed each other. He timed our
recovery so we each would have support when we needed it We are
healing together and learning how to enjoy life. We will always
face the effects that abuse has on our lives, but it is comforting
to have a friend for the journey. |