This article is reprinted from Challenges.

THE STONE MAN
(Book Excerpt)

Introduction to The Stone Man:
“THE STONE MAN is the result of life experienced through the eyes of the author who from the time of birth lived in a household dominated by a dysfunctional father who was physically abusive to the mother, and by a mother who only knew how to operate as a victim and martyr.

Being brought up in a dysfunctional household with untold quantities of emotional abuse, the author, having many wonderful abilities, lived in confusing anguish over conflicting messages given to him concerning his self-worth. Living under these conditions, the transformation of a child into a non-trusting human being was accomplished very quickly, and by the time the author was only 6 years old, his role in life became clearly defined, to becoming the Stone Man.

When the author was only 10 years old, his parents divorced and his father went on to remarry and abuse other women, while his mother used her influence as a victim and martyr to blame everyone except herself for the outcome of her life.

Unable to identify his own feelings and not trusting anyone, the Stone Man went through life unable to cope with reality. Because of this inability to trust, the skills of being deceitful, manipulating and blaming others became the only identity the Stone Man knew.

At age 44, the Stone Man’s life was so out of control, and his behavior so abusive, that through the grace of his loving Creator he was forced to turn his life over to the care of others, and learn for the first time how to be held accountable for his actions. Going through many months of therapy and participating over the years in support groups, the Stone Man believes he is now acquiring the luster of a diamond.

The diamond represents for the author total acceptance of his humanity--all feelings, thoughts, actions, beliefs, abilities and shortcomings. This spiritual transformation of life to death and death to life makes available to the Stone Man the ability to define in life who he is and to stand up for his definitions.”

THE STONE MAN
By LOREN OULMAN

A REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR

“Who,” I ask, is this person in the mirror? Why does
he not answer me when I speak to him? I feel I know
him, and yet I’m not sure?
Is he honest? He has an honest face,
And yet, I know he has been very dishonest.
Look into his eyes. They seem to be soft and
gentle,
And yet, I know they have been hard as steel.
Listen to the soft tones of his voice. Is he not
reassuring?
And yet, I’ve heard his loud screams of abuse.
Look at his strong, gentle hands. Can they not be
supportive?
And yet, they have been violent.
Look at his arms. Could they not give warmth and
protection?
And yes, they have pushed people away.
Listen to the beating of his heart. Does it not
sound loving?
And yet, it has been rampant with rage.

As I look at this person in the mirror, I now
understand the changing images I see are my own.
And, for the first time, I
realize I can both live and detest my humanness.
You see,
“I am enough!”

A STATEMENT OF LOVE

“Love.” Is this not a statement of individual value
wrapped up
in human form? Do we not seek or cherish this
essence with
all the strength of our existence? To what song does
our
heart dance?
The softness of your eyes caresses my heart with
warmth.
The gentleness of your touch invites me to trust.
Your voice reassures my value when I lose faith.
Your arms offer a place to be vulnerable.
Your trust allows me to stand tall with pride.
Your presence makes my space feel secure.
Your strength helps me to vibrate with life.
Your very existences makes me scream with wanting
to know
who you are? And now your image becomes clear.
Why, this is marvelous.
“YOU ARE ME!”

SUICIDE
THE LAST INNER RAGE

Before reading this chapter I would like to say that it’s only by the loving grace of my Creator that I’m still here to write abut this. Looking back at how close I actually came to committing suicide when going through the break up of my last marriage, it still scares the hell out of me.

Reaching a plateau of emotional sickness where I was unable to operate in any kind of a healthy manner, fearing the loss of control, I became one of the most abusive men, both emotionally and physically, that any man could ever turn into. When this happened, feeling powerless and weak, at times I would use my guns as a way to intimidate people and bolster my sagging ego.

Unfortunately I also used my guns as a way of trying to intimidate one of my wives into staying in a relationship I knew had become totally unfulfilling. Realizing now how my abusive behavior must have affected the women I married, I know I will always carry a scar of guilt because of my actions.

I wanted to explain this part of my life because having started to understand some of the dynamics I was functioning under, I realize now how powerful my self-talk was shaming me and drowning out reality. This self-talk was also the voices I heard when being abusive or reaching the point of wanting to commit suicide.

I think, unless a person has gotten to the point of trying to take their own life, they truly don’t understand the power and attraction that suicide holds for people who are feeling helpless. It was only after going through treatment and using the help offered in support groups afterwards that I started to understand why I felt suicide was the ultimate escape from a life I thought was failing.

One of my biggest awarenesses came in understanding my belief system, after I was involved in an auto accident and received a substantial sum of money for my injuries. Becoming depressed and feeling suicidal, I started asking myself what was happening, and realized that all my life I had made excuses for my feelings of being helpless or hopeless by saying, “When I have the money, I don’t have the time, and when I have the time, I don’t have the money.” Well, suddenly I had both and none of the real issues in my life really changed. In other words, in the past all I had done with my words was to make excuses in covering up my feeling of being helpless.

Realizing that being emotionally healthy and living a valued life is at times recognizing that we are going to feel hopeless, helpless and weak. Now when I feel these things I no longer hook ino the old voice that told me I was defective.

Instead, recognizing my humanness I’ve shut the door to my suicidal thinking and know that my feelings are not a reflection of my human value.

I wanted to share this piece of my life with you, because if you struggle with the same dynamics that I did, I encourage you to seek help in learning your humanness. The other thing I found out that was so important was that I had a chemical imbalance that was contributing to my feelings of suicide. After learning to take medication when I needed it, I have now put my suicidal genie back in the bottle.

Please, I encourage you to realize that we are loved by our Creator, and even though at times we may lose our ability to feel useful, we have tremendous value, both to ourselves and to others.

With this, I send those of you who have felt this way, ALL MY LOVE.

From the editor: The Stone Man is an extraordinary book that repeatedly discloses the truths Loren Oulman has discovered about himself, for himself. Unlike narrative autobiographies, Oulman chooses instead to examine actions and beliefs of special interest to all who take recovery seriously--shame, lust, hate, fear, etc.--and turn them wrong side out before making a discovery about each that is singularly vital to his life. Ours, too.

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