A Long And Winding Road

A LONG AND WINDING ROAD
BY DEBRA D

My personal journey of recovery has been a wonderful and sometimes frightening experience but most certainly one I’ll never regret.

After years of denial, low self-esteem and basically dysfunctional behavior, I reached a point when I could not face myself any longer. The many years spent being involved in destructive relationships with men became all too painful to admit. The lies that I told myself about these relationships just didn’t wash any more. The drinking became a stage for me to climb onto and act out my anger and self-pity. I have to say I honestly felt I had no options, that this was my lot in life.

Thankfully, I had one courageous friend who had embarked upon her own journey to fight the demons of her childhood and misjudgments of adulthood, to find a better place for herself. She proved to be my inspiration, to take those first big steps to becoming aware that there were options out there. I remember thinking that I would do anything to get a chance at finding some peace for my weary soul.

So there I was, sitting at these meetings where people were sharing their pain and triumphs. I listened to their stories, all very individual, yet woven from the same cloth of inequity against ourselves. We all shared a common thread of hope and courage. I believe that is where my journey began to change the course of my life. A shared belief in a Higher Power opened the door that I had been unable to see before me.

Unfortunately, I still had to go back into some very scary places to retrieve myself and learn that I could now rethink the events that had led me to this place. I began to see that as I confronted my fears they somehow became smaller, less powerful than I had remembered. Yes, the pain was real and at times I wanted to run away back to my secure base of denial yet I persevered. Somehow I could sense that if I could push through the dark I would begin to feel the wonderful light.

This part of my journey was very arduous and I felt angry as many times as I felt joy. Yet the balance was somehow cleansing for me. It had been so long since I had experienced a sense of joy that the pain became a welcomed ally. I remember becoming very frustrated thinking that I would just wake up one day and things would be different (of course this was supposed to happen in my time.)

But looking back now I can see that the changes had to be gradual to afford my fragile psyche the chance to absorb and accept these new ideas. Trust is a very precious gift when you come from dysfunction. I had finally begun to trust myself and believe in this new way of thinking.

That is when things changed for the better. I had finally gotten it! It wasn’t about pleasing everyone else or being someone I thought I should be. It was about loving myself for who I was despite the defects. What a sense of freedom! To be able to love me for me, to see myself as a worthwhile individual who had wonderful things to contribute to this life. The dam had burst and I was happily drowning in a sea of love and acceptance.

After finally expending some time and energy on me, I found myself becoming involved with a wonderful and yes, believe it or not, a nice man. It was an incredible experience to finally be involved in a healthy relationship. Life was good.

Now, you would probably think that at this point I walked off into the sunset and lived happily ever after. I’m sure if I were Meg Ryan that would be the case. Alas, as with all journeys, there are twists and turns that befall the traveler at some points along the way.

My road suddenly became very rocky, very quickly. I have to say that the circumstances of this relationship presented me with the opportunity to face every issue I thought I had wrestled to the ground with the help of therapy and meetings. Here I was in the middle of a chaotic life just like the one I had grown up with! Everything was out of control; my invitation to dysfunction. When I say that it has been a challenge, I am perhaps making the most incredible understatement I have ever made.

We learn through our recovery process that when times get tough the best bet is to go back to the basics. Well, I am here to say “Amen” to that. I believe that those basic life rules, as I like to call them, as well as a little help (O.K., sometimes a lot) from my friends, helped me hold on to myself.

I made it through the pits and potholes of that stretch of road and have a better sense of me. I am continually amazed at my courage and faith. I am also amazed at how quickly I can embrace my old behavior and run like hell with it.

I guess the point I am trying to convey is that this journey doesn’t end because you develop awareness. Just when you think it’s safe to get back on the road and merge with life’s traffic, you come upon a hair turn or a “Falling Rocks” sign. Choosing the path of recovery is the most wonderful choice you can make for yourself as long as you remember that every journey holds the unexpected. By being in recovery, you can learn to equip yourself with special tools to help you meet the challenges which lie in wait for you upon that long and winding road.